The Paradox of People...

...I need them, yet I can't stand them.

I got the promotion, and Ferdu and his cronies are pissed off. It's sick how similar my life is now to the life I left behind. I have friends - I always have. That's not the problem. But the level of my friendship is what drives me crazy.

My best friend here is Stacy, or at least, she was. From the beginning, I knew that she was out for more than just friendship. I hoped to try and send off the right signals, but for a girl like her, even talking to her is a sign of romantic interest. She sat me down last night and said she had something to tell me. Of course, it was a confession of feelings. I couldn't reciprocate them, as much as I may have tried to force myself to, and that was that. She says that it's totally cool and that we can still be friends, but I see through that. This sort of thing has lost me another friend.

But that's not the thing that bugs me the most. What gets me is that she liked me. Probably from the very start. She didn't even know me; she doesn't even know me now. I hate when people scratch at my surface and assume to know everything about me. That's what bugs me about Stacy being into me. She cheapened me.

There are more people here than Ferdu and his cronies. I've named the armchair philosopher (who is a hack). I was hoping that some of these other people would be able to relate to me. I figured that maybe I could make a friend to travel with. Nope. There's one guy who seemed pretty cool, but it just seems like we can't get past the shallow. I crave depth, and I can't find it anywhere.

Maybe I'm just asking for too much. Maybe depth of relationship is something that nobody feels. Maybe I'm not giving it enough time. Maybe everyone feels as frustrated as me. I want to self-disclosure on a level I have not yet experienced.

I always seem to get recognition from authority figures. I can impress them for some reason. And in time, I impress my peers. But I have few friends. And sometimes, it seems as if I have none. My boss likes me though. That's gotta count for something.

Maybe that jerk at the ValuSave was just reaching out to me.